I really want to sleep with her friend. I'm hoping our casual sex relationship will somehow lead to that.
If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
Sometimes I think about the fact that I lost my virginity while watching anime and I wonder what that says about me
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
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