brad dismisses pussy with prejudice
So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
The cops just drove by on their loudspeaker going DO NOT DRINK THE WATAHH
I love boston
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
Randomize
