im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
Suite mates just came in and said that we have to go to Africa. They're already packed. Didn't know you could get that high.
Omg. It looks like a crack pipe exploded in your mouth.
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
how did we start talking about space blow jobs?
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
He always takes home straight guys. He plays One Night Stand on Ledgendary Mode
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
Randomize
