Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
I'm more concerned with the fact that he was UNconcerned that live poultry could peck him in the nutsack @ any moment of sex
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
all im saying is 27 is too old to still be drinking 40s, you make more money than me, buy some decent shit
screw you you golddigging beer snob
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
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