all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
Dont have access to internet. masturbating to shake weight commercial.
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
Woke up to a break up text for a facebook relationship I didn't even know I was in... 2012 is going to be a good year
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
Dude respond to my evite. You're either coming to the orgy or not.
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
OH MY GOD REMEMBER ALL THAT I LOVE NEW YORK I DVRED BECAUSE I JUST DID
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
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