I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
Just saw a guy from Kansas and a guy from Nebraska arguing over who had less of an accent. God Bless the Midwest.
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
there really is only one way to give a PowerPoint presentation in your senior capstone class: still drunk.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
Dude get over here. Steven brought super soakers filled with colored vodka.
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
Randomize
