my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
Just saw a commercial bout this girl that lost 54 lbs on a taco bell diet. so thats my excuse.
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
how do you feel about lunch break shots ?
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
Hes wearing a shirt that says warning shitshow and i cant help but think his attorney made him wear it so ppl know the dangers.
Whatever happend to that lawsuit where he got sued for shittig in that fish tank
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
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