Well maybe next time you won't tell me to do whatever I want.
There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
I think the main reason you were throwing up so much was the quart of soap you chugged trying to burp bubbles. you came close
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
In other news, I just burned my penis
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
So the remote for the camera in the photo booth must have gotten dropped on the floor. while you were in there. having a threesome. on the floor of the room where my parents stay when they visit me. so thanks.
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
