A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
Got robbed by knifepoint. Then got sympathy Bj. I might have to walk down Austin ave drunk every weekend
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
Do you think I shall pursue this journey to the center if the dick?
he wears New Balance sneakers on a regular basis, did you really expect the sex to be more than decent?
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
Randomize
