I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
It's not every day you get to see a girl fuck herself with a pickle.
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
Randomize
