I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
i have to start hiding my credit card when i drink i woke up this morning with 4 emails from Farmville telling me i spent over $800 on coins last night
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
I think I have to break up with him. I just cried, not moaned, screamed, etc, cried, with tears of sadness and disappointment when I came.
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
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