If i could tip my vagina, i would.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
I'm really hot. went tanning and this cheeseburger shirt like isn't breathable
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
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