The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
she had a my little ponys comforter. i left when she went to the bathroom
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
just tried googling 24 hr taco bell and when i typed "24 hour" it autocompleted with fitness. buzzzz killllll
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
I really wasn't that bad. I thought I was pretty tame.
When Anthony passed out you poured vodka on his face
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
Randomize
