Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
We lived together for a year and neither of us knew we were both gay.
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
Regardless of age or alcohol consumption, the knowledge that my dad spanks my mom sexually has the very real potential to fuck my shit up.
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
And I hope you're not misinterpreting us fucking as me trying to win you back. The sex is good and girls have needs.
I was at his place until 2am. We just sat really close an stared at each other. I think you are right. Germans must not have feelings. Not even tingly ones in their pants.
Randomize
