I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
Gentlemen...shes not going to tie her self to the table...
will power is for people who don't want to get laid
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
We all have a cross to bear. Yours just happens to be attracting gay men.
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
bad news.. campus security walked me home last night and when i tried to tell them where i lived they assured me they knew where our house was.
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
Randomize
