We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
I swear some just paged for more cock rings over the intercom.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
He's probably the biggest I've seen outside of the porn I vehemently deny watching and he asks if I think he's too small
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
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