This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
we got back to my place and he started talking about feelings. i politely told him to leave and that he managed to cock block himself.
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Randomize
