i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
he drunkenly confessed to whacking off before coming over so the sex'd be longer. this one's a keeper
Sunburnt clitoris. How do I deal with it.
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
I have a 16 minute video of you talking about your life. We are calling it your Anthology sponsored by Steel Reserve
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
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