Need sex. Gaining weight.
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
Well then I realized I had a bigger problem when I woke up a long board.
BIGGER SANDWIJH COME NIW OR DIE
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
I spent the whole party making out with some guy. He wasn't that cute but six of my sorority sisters are fighting over him so I had to do something..
Last thing I remember was a hand in the pants. Then I woke up next to a full beer and a McDouble, which I promptly had for breakfast.
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
Pregaming at Jodi's. Ten minutes
Thought it was at Brad's?
Pregaming the pregame. Need alcohol before I can see that dick.
I'll give you some leg action but I'm not showing you anything else until your penis admits it loves me
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