Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
Most guys don't get turned on by "skinny, gangly legged girl with glasses laying in bed touching herself." You better start working on your diction if you're gonna keep up the sexting.
Does it really count as two different guys if they're brothers? I like to think of it as one and a half.
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
Then my perve supervisor asked about your vagina. And I was like nunya, but its glorious
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
it's a shower with the lights off kind of day
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Randomize
