I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
A nice make out session never hurt anyone. Plus he's a pilot, so he'll know the safety procedures for when the night crashes and burns.
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
Randomize
