Bigbird is at the bar Im at. whats her name
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
For once I want to have sex without having to google the after effects of it.
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
Randomize
