Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
i walked toward the cop car thinking it was the liquor store lights nd by that time it was too late to escape the trap
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
in fingerprint form on my ass. Seriously not cool. \ni bruiiiseeee like a delicate fruiiiitttt. Heeeaaarrr the rythymmm
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
As he put it in he shouted "geronimo!"
Wow... So was the sex good?
Yeah but it doesn't matter. My vagina is not a pool.
I am drunk and aggressive about the olympixs
It's spelled Olympics
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
Randomize