Too bad my picture didn't come thru. It was one of me naked riding a unicorn with a wizard hat and a magic staff. And the unicorn had wings. And me too.
Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
The problem is he wears abercrombie jeans like there's nothing wrong with it
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
dude there is absolutely no room for a slide in our room
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
One day. I will touch his hair. I'm curious if it'll be like a soft cloud.
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
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