That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
He said that I looked like a "ghost had crawled up into my vagina and died"..so yeah, I'd say the hangover was noticeable.
I've had to do a couple req orders today and I would like to submit to you an order form to requisition DAT ASS
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
This guy has a theme song for the joints he rolls
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
friends who go to the bar together leave the bar together and im not leaving you behind ohana means family
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
Randomize
