Thats the last thing I remember and then I woke up in this Dutch kids dorm and he was taking a picture of me while I was sleeping
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
just in the smoking shack with my sister cheering on a caterpillar make its cocoon
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
Your brother's naked in the courtyard again. Just a head's up.
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
Randomize
