So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
i feel as if its time to shave my pubes but i should wait until before the party. nobody likes a sloppy drunk girl with a stubble-crotch.
story of my life.
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
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