I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
Between the dance party in the car and the distraction of the momma bear and two cubs im a cops wet dream roght now when comes to wreckless driving.
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
I've never seen a dude bust out of his jacket and rock an air banjo like u
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
Randomize
