I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
I don't care how hungover you are were not listening to enya
every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
I think they make you graduate because you get too old to go hard and become a risk. homecoming weekend wins again. fuck.
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
Randomize