i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
no we just smoked too much weed and listened to the tarzan soundtrack. phil collins is amazing
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
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