apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
You two kept repeating the same thing over and over. It was like looking after retarded pull-string dolls.
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
Randomize
