I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
Is my lip ring still in your hair?
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
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