I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
just looked up how to break up with someone nicely on google. glad to know im not the only one who looks up this shit.
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
I just dropped macaroni right down my cleavage. For the sake of our future, I'm really banking on this being a turn on for you.
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
Full contact beer pong was definitely not my best idea.
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
Randomize
