yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
i need a lesbian romance or unplanned pregnancy for some spicein my life.
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
I might as well rub my vagina against it before I throw it away.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
That hot guy just got to class and he's eating a bagel sandwich. I dunno which I'm more attracted to
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
Randomize
