just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
I've hooked up with 3 different guys already this week...don't tell me I haven't been a productive member of society
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
The yoga party turned into an underwear party because we are all incompetent when it comes to tying bed sheets.
This has been a Party Success Story
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
Randomize
