Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
I think it's god's punishment for my behavior in Vegas . Lies were told. Angels were defiled. Pools were pissed in
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
How weird would it be for me to get 1 hour photos printed at CVS of my partially or all nude?
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
We laughed, we cried, we fucked, we shirked our familial and work related responsibilities. They could make a movie about the last 40 hours of our lives.
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
Randomize
