Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
april was a good month for me, sexually...doubled my number, had a threesome, fucked a girl for the first time and two different boys in one night. there should be a medal
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
Randomize
