I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
Randomize
