I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
Yess he was literally so drunk that like at one point I'm pretty sure he thought it was hard and in when neither were true :/ haha
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
Like I fucked him in the shower at 3 am when I had classes all day the next day so he can't say I'm not dedicated
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
The bartender remember my drink from last sat. I think we just became drocals...drunk. locals.
Randomize
