ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
I have a 16 minute video of you talking about your life. We are calling it your Anthology sponsored by Steel Reserve
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
he said didn't have much sexual experience and then proceeded to tell me he is going to make me cum harder than my vibrator could
well, that escalated quicky
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
I don't care what you say about him, his cock is the stuff dreams are made of.
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
What. The. Fuck.
You'll have to be more specific. I do a lot of "what the fuck" kind of stuff
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
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