Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
He sent me a pic stitch collage of all the tit pics I had sexted him this month. It was so sweet!
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
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