When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
I checked into jail on foursquare
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
Question: rebounding with your exboyfriend over your rebound guy is healthy right?
begin the sex magic rocket ship countdown
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
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