Don't forget I'm 20 now
I liked you more when you were 19
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
Heated debate on which is worse. Pissing your pants or puking all over yourself
He tricked me...the first song on his sex mix was trey songz but the rest were techno....i can't walk straight now
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
But I mean how many guys can say they get blow jobs and grilled cheese with football
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
Naked. Naked is my favorite color.
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
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