One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
This american gymnastics guy.... He just messed up. I feel so bad. I just wanna hug him until he stops crying. Not even in a sexual way. I just wanna hug him.
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
Did you leave ur panties in the sink?
Kitchen or bathroom?
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
