dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
Have you actually looked at the corn flakes box? I don't think the rooster has a soul.
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