No, we just ended up walking around in his pool high and singing songs by The Wiggles.
his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
four loko is officially banned. leave it to the kids from a state school to fuck it up for everyone
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
You took a bar mat shot.
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
i feel like spreading the word of drunken joy.
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
So why are your hands bright blue and have you seen my roommate.
Both questions will answer each other.
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
Randomize
