I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
you only had a canadian ten, but you said it was all good cuz you would just by molson.
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
I'm. Arresyed bur sierra ue obbe of mt vet friends. I hope we can tyajk ane gwt ob the same page. Ur aweaome ttyl.
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
Randomize
