Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
names aren't important. just tell him all you want is a lil make out sesh and keep it moving.
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
I think that was him coming out to me. I just brushed it off
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
i think you may have a shot to cock block in a moment. just saying.
Wake up an cock block please bc these are noises i dont ever want to hear again
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
Randomize
