Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
For once I want to have sex without having to google the after effects of it.
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
I'm out of breath and my thighs burn but at least it's over.
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
Randomize