What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
i think guys who wear condoms are gentleman.
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
hooked up with a girl who spoke elfish last night..what up 8th grade lord of the rings fantasies
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
no. i discovered the *exact* amount of drugs i need to do to understand calculus.
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
seriously, who doesn't want to get shitfaced and have sex to the backstreet boys?
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
I DEMAND FORESKIN
Randomize
