Dont worry, she is sitting right next to me. She is making it clear she wants to scissor
You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
I get a little bitchy. We all know that
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
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