you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
I don't drink so I see St. Patty's as an LSD type of day. Its like a more hardcore 420
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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