So I walked out of my room and there was my brother....standing naked
she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
he said he got tested two months ago... he goes with his whole family.
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
Drunk is not a location!
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
Randomize
