So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
You don't give head? I'm offended and I don't even have a cock...
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
I had to cum in my sink.
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
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