my night went downhill once I lost my bikershorts. EAWSSSSYY ACCESS
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
If only we could all 3 say fuck school to be stoner flight attendants
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
He should get nipple rings. No homo...I actually don't think there is a way to make it non gay.
Yeah you should have just let that thought go.
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
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