; Think of how many worthless people would b non existant if there was no liquor so their parents never hooked up
my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
i just sat down and hooked up with this girl. after she left i called over another girl and did the same. this happened about four more times and i never left my chair
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
Randomize
