he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
There's a difference between southern and inbred. She just doesn't know that yet.
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
When he opened the car door the whole thing fell off. Even that can be forgiven via his monster cock.
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
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