Haven't eaten in 11 hrs. I am gonna have so much material to talk about with anorexic girls now
Seriously, I'm delusional. Idk how these models even walk on the runway
real busy. everything is packed. thats why we ended up at the strip club
is it wrong to smoke out middle schoolers?
yes...dear jesus what did you do?
bwahaha. ask your little brother in about 20 minutes. im dropping him off.
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
It's a good thing i didn't end up pregnant...i would have had to figure out his last name.
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
