i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
On a side note, I now know what a $150 cab ride looks like
Does my status still say I suck cocks? I don't know how to change it
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
I think he's only dating me for my ass...
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
I enjoy the company of your penis
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
Randomize
