@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
just passed a kid drinking a beer at 2pm. clearly it's the last day of break.
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